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Real Marriage by Mark Driscoll & Grace
Driscoll
Reviewed by Lori Fox
"Real Marriage by Mark Driscoll and Grace Driscoll is an interesting read. To those who subscribe to their way of thought, the book will seem rather enlightening and maybe even uplifting and helpful. To those who do not, it is potentially enraging..."
Mark and Grace Driscoll, pastor and First Lady of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, want you to have a good marriage. And what does it take to have a good marriage? Well, according to the Driscolls' new book Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together, the most important things to focus on is, A.) friendship with your spouse, B.) mutual respect, and C.) lots and lots of free and sometimes kinky sex. With your own spouse, of course.
Where did Mark and Grace Driscoll do the research for this book? Most of the anecdotes and advice come from the problems that they had in the beginning of their own marriage, and a few from couples that they've observed in their ministry. In addition to personal experience, the Driscolls also read or skimmed through as many as 187 books on marriage, none of which satisfied them.
The advice contained in Real Marriage by Mark Driscoll and Grace Driscoll is mainly sound, but fairly vague. At least, until you get to the chapter entitled: Can We______? which can get fairly graphic in describing what kind of sex is and isn't allowed in marriage. The idea is to present the method of determining whether or not a particular sex act is allowed in marriage by questioning whether it is lawful biblically and by the laws of the land, if it is helpful, or if it is enslaving. The couple is to discuss these three things together before deciding whether or not a specific act is a good fit for them sexually, and to only proceed if it is both lawful and helpful and not enslaving, and only if both partners agree to it. This section is mainly written by Mark Driscoll, and discusses oral sex, anal sex, and role playing, among others. The section on masturbation seems to be particularly long.
The anecdotal parts
of Grace and Mark Driscoll's Real Marriage are definitely more
interesting than their actual advice (you can only expound on friendship
and respect
so long), but also the most disturbing. The Driscolls are New Calvinist
Complementarians, and if you don't personally follow their very strict
view of the world, much of the book will make you cringe. Addressed is
their sex life, before and after marriage. According to the book, Real
Marriage, neither
of them were virgins when they met, and they proceeded to be sexually active
while dating
until after Mark got saved (Grace was already a Christian, at least in
name---her spiritual life isn't much discussed),
although in a recent interview with Christianity Today, Mark claimed that
they were both virgins until they met. While Mark's back story makes him
sound like a cross between The Beaver and James Dean, Grace admits to having
been abused and controlled by a former boyfriend, and eventually even sexually
assaulted. This part is rather confusing, however, as in one part, Mark
blames his wife's frigidness in bed on her sinning sexually with another
man soon after he'd begun to date her (i.e. she cheated on him in highschool).
But, then goes on to mention her sexual abuse. While I believe that these
were two separate incidences, the wording tends to come across as Mark
blaming Grace for
being raped. This, obviously, has ignited quite a firestorm of criticism.
In addition, there are several stories that sounded as though
Mark was being quite the jerk to Grace early in their marriage, and while
he did say later in the book that he realized that he'd been boorish and
harsh with her, it's unattached to any of the incidences that he'd recounted
earlier, which makes you wonder whether he is even self aware enough to
know how he'd hurt her. For her part, Grace regrets not being submissive
and respectful enough.
Real Marriage by Mark
Driscoll and Grace Driscoll is an interesting read. To those who subscribe
to their way of thought, the book will seem rather enlightening and maybe
even uplifting and helpful. To those who do not, it is potentially enraging,
particularly as the writing style is not very clear and may lead to misunderstandings
in
addition to ideological differences. Those who are uncomfortable with open
discussions of sex should definitely avoid this book, as such talk is not
confined to the chapters that are dedicated to it. Real Marriage is intended
to help people to better their marriages by learning from Mark and Grace
Driscoll's experiences and teachings. It
is not written by professional therapists or psychologists, nor were any
consulted as far as I'm aware. While they have been able to help couples
through their pastoral ministry, these are specific cases where the particulars
are discussed. The book itself is not comprehensive and, as mentioned before,
focuses almost solely on friendship, respect/submission, and sex. Unless
these very specific areas are a problem for your relationship, or you simply
want light reading that
may help you open up to your spouse (there are some great discussion
points listed in the back), then I suggest that you seek out a professional
or a more tightly focused book.
If, at this point, you are still undecided as to whether you want to read Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll, then I suggest reading the first chapter, which is available free online. Once you get a taste of the book, you should be able to decide whether you want to read more or not.
Lori Fox is a freelance writer who is working on her first novel as well as writing reviews for TitleTrakk.com. In addition to writing, she enjoys reading, making jewelry, and taking as many trips to Walt Disney World as possible with her wonderful husband Kyle. Visit her online at her website.
